John Mayer Quotes

1. I just like collaborating.

2. I'm a mess of unfinished thoughts.


3. It's hard to fake who I won't be.

4. Life ain't a fairytale, it's a documentary.

5. (on dating black women) My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a f... David Duke cock. I'm going to start dating separately from my dick.

6. I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life.

7. (on Pakistani comedian Kumail Nanjiani) He looked like a brown guy but sounded like a white guy.

8. Whenever they say it can't be done, remind them that they make a jellybean that tastes exactly like popcorn.

9. (on masturbation) I don't jerk off because I'm h.... I'm sort of half-chick. It's like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It's like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.




10. (on Jessica Simpson) That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren't good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me.

11. When I watch porn, if it's not hot enough, I'll make up backstories in my mind. My biggest dream is to write pornography.

12. (on Obama winning The Nobel Prize) What's he going to do, send it back? It's like I'm getting a wrongful bulge in my pants and everyone's thinking I've got a nine-inch cock. I'm not going to argue with them, I'm going to let them think I have a nine-inch cock.

13. Practice hard, practice longer than anyone else. Train your brain to focus for large clips of time.

14. The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry, and smile and say, "No I'm happy for you"? Thats when it's really sad…

15. (on Perez Hilton) I will f... you in the mouth to shut you up. You are not wilder than me.

16. What I've learned in my life, it's a very interesting social study for me, to go back and forth between being the guy at home and being the guy on the road and being the guy in studio and being the guy in the interview. The environment around you has so much to do with your character, and when I'm home, my character really changes quite a bit.

17. I can't even explain to you how terrible that feels, that I equate dating a woman with punishment, shame, guilt, disappointment, reproach, reprimand, persecution. It's a nightmare.



18. (on Justin Timberlake) He's bringing sexy back; I'm bringing sweaty back.

19. Someday, everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, be strong and keep reminding your self that everything happens for a reason.


20. Connecticut's where I built the parts, Boston's where I assembled them, and Atlanta is where I sold them to people.

21. When you do an interview with me, you're talking to a cheap imitation of the person that I really am. There's no magic in my words, it's just me talking.

22. So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young.

23. I hate being the heartbreaker. Hate it. If I date somebody and it doesn't work out, it's another nightmare for me.

24. I don't mind making sissy rock…I'll rock your ass sensitive-style.

25. Sometimes it feels like my life is just one long day.

26. I just sort of lost my head for a little while.

27. Love is a hot shower where your skin never prunes.

28. You know I used to be the back porch poet with my book of lines, always hoping knowing all the time, I'm probably never gonna find the perfect rhyme…For heavier things.


29. Numb is the new deep, done with the old me, and talk is the same cheap it's been.

30. I look away at car crashes, and I know people who look away at car crashes, because it makes us uncomfortable to watch other people in pain.

31. I feel strikingly domestic. We're in our own world with two busses and trucks.


32. I love being the center of attention.

33. (as he ties his shoe onstage) It's very difficult to tie one shoe with the same tension as the other one, because if one should be a little tighter than the other, the show's gonna suck. I'm a man of symmetry.

34. I have you guys to thank for continuing to stick around when it was uncomfortable to continue to stick around.





35. You gotta be able to explain things to yourself when the lights go off and you get in the bed. You gotta deal with you at the end of the day.

36. Sometimes I wish that I was the weather, you'd bring me up in conversation forever. And when it rained, I'd be the talk of the day.

37. I really don't want to be a hunk.

38. I've always said I've got the coolest fans, and I brag about you like grandchildren when I talk to other artists.

39. Sometimes I get so bold and I'm so confident about what I'm doing that I actually try to be more of a dork because it's a really liberating feeling to experience what it's like to not care.

40. That was a good response and I'm not going to ask you to do it again. There's nothing I hate more than going to a concert and the guy says: "You having a good time?" and you scream your head off and then the guy says: "I can't hear you!" and I'm like: "The f... you can't!" I absolutely hate it when guys do that. So I promise you I'll never make you do that. If you scream respectably the first time anyway.

41. I quit the media game. I'm out. I'm done.

42. Falling asleep is so much better than going to bed, because you don't get tangled up in the logistics.

43. Who I am as a guitarist is defined by my failure to become Jimi Hendrix.

44. The people who have the hardest time are the people who are fighting the future.

45. I may have taken someone through the wringer psychologically, but I've never been sinister.






46. I love coconut, because when you think you're done eating coconut, 25 minutes later, a little piece of coconut comes out of the back of your mouth, and then you say: "Hey! It's more coconut!" I think any food with that kind of determination needs a little respect.

47. I've learned to appreciate everything that has been given to me.



48. I scientifically engineer my music to be as accessible as possible.


49. Have you ever loved somebody, loved her completely, but had to end the relationship for life reasons?

50. I love you all so much. We really need to come up with a new name for "fans". How about really good friends who can't come over my house.

51. You guys have absolutely exemplified what it means to be loyal and supportive and faithful and awesome. And I can't thank you guys enough.


52. I wanted to be a blues guitar player. And a singer. And a songwriter. Not a shock jock.

53. It's so interesting how success hits people and how they react to it.

54. I was very successful from a very early age, and I want to keep it.

55. Ladies, if you want to know the way to my heart…good spelling and good grammar, good punctuation, capitalize only where you are supposed to capitalize, it's done.

56. I'd like to think the best of me was still hiding up in my sleeve.

57. There's a constantly applicable nature to soul music, whereas sometimes pop music can be a periodical.

58. I think people right now, the age they are, being 21 and 22, really do want to find a group of bands they can take with them through life.

59. I'm not a brand, and I don't refer to myself in the third person. I'm a dude who plays guitar and writes songs.

60. I'm not an icon. Not even in America.

61. You get to a certain age where you prepare yourself for happiness. Sometimes you never remember to actually get happy.

62. I abused that ability to express myself, to the point where I was expressing things that weren't true to my thoughts.

63. I'm a good music provider, and I'm fine with that. I'm a quality music manufacturer.

64. They say stay in the lines, but there's always something better on the other side.

65. I'm the only person I know who's got a bunch of money.

66. I'm living inside my biography right now, and this is like a paragraph.

67. You make a choice in your life, and it affects your life in all the ways, good and bad.

68. I've never been a bad boy.




69. The woman of my dreams has to be up at 7 am. Maybe the woman of my dreams is at the gym, not the bar. I better get to bed.

70. You cannot avoid war in life, you cannot avoid the fear of terrorism, you cannot avoid those things now, they are a part of everyday demeanor.

71. The greatest gift I have in my life is the opportunity to play again, which is also the opportunity to dream again.

72. I'm trying everything I can not to be jaded 'cause I don't like jaded musicians.

73. Everybody is just a stranger, but that's the danger in going my own way.

74. I've figured out my learning curve. I can look at something and somehow know exactly how long it will take for me to learn it.

75. I'm never a quitter. That's how my mind works. Everything I stand for is about fighting through and never backing down.


76. All I want a song to do is just to kind of present an idea.

77. So while you are still free, standing, fully, capable, mobile, heartful people, enjoy your life.

78. I've never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told: "We're full."

79. Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing.  It's okay though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8 color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation. So when I meet someone who's an 8 color type…I'm like, hey girl, Magenta! and she's like, oh, you mean purple! and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, no I want Magenta!

80. I've realized you can use a fork as a spoon if you use it rapidly enough.





81. Fear is a friend who's misunderstood.

82. If you're unlucky, you'll die while you're skiing. But if you're lucky, you're gonna live in an old folks home.

83. I'm singing what I want to sing based on the emotion of what that day feels like. That's what comes out of my mouth and guitar. That impacts people. They know anything can happen.




84. I've never done anything because I thought it would look cool.

85. In the quest to be clever, I completely forgot about the people that I love and that love me.

86. Those who understand how my head works seem to have a deeper connection with me. Those who don't are still welcome to use the facilities.





87. A man's got two shots for jewelry: a wedding ring and a watch. The watch is a lot easier to get on and off than a wedding ring.

88. Very few things in life are worthy of the kind of emotional distress we put ourselves through.

89. It's almost charity work, what people have done, turning other people on to my music.


90. High School is like a spork: it's a crappy spoon and a crappy fork, so in the end it's just plain useless.


91. You have to deal with the idiot if you want the savant.

92. Look, demanding somebody do anything in this day and age is not going to fly.

93. Think of how different your life would be if you sent everything you've ever written.


94. Hopefully people can see my music is tethered to my brain.

95. My hits are not hits.

96. Be yourself today. Be wildly yourself.

97. I'm not as surprised in going from playing 1,000 seats to 4,000 seats as I was from 100 to 500 seats.

98. Rule of thumb: If you're on a website that says out loud "congratulations, you've won!", you can be pretty sure you're up to no good.

99. No matter what I do, I'm going to earn it.

100. Atlanta's my musical home. It really was the place where I really came alive.

101. Nothing feels worse than having to break the stage down before the performance, and I mean nothing.

102. Life is like walking through a funhouse. It's dark, people are pushing, and you can't turn around. You just follow the cracks of light.

103. People want to see musicians sing things that come from their own mind and own heart in real time, responding to the moment for them.

104. Let me tell you this: Some of life's questions you have to answer, some you just have to dance your face off and scream "no comment".





105. People are really concerned with what other people are saying about them.

106. My rule is to live life as if I'm 90 years old in a hospital bed having a beautiful flashback. Works for me.

107. Every song I put on a record could be a single and I just pack my bags for it…and the minute it takes off, I'm not gonna be home for a while.


108. 20s: coming into who you are. 30s: coming into who you are being.

109. There are people in the world who have the power to change our values.





110. There's this moment in creation, when you've made something truly special, where you become euphoric. And then, utterly lonely.

111. Trying to impress my mother with words was one of my favorite pursuits.

112. I'm not a big fan of justifying my thoughts to people. I've known since grade school that my take on things is not for everyone.





113. There's so many inspiring people out there.

114. That's what happens when you get older: you start leaving "me, me, me" and you hopefully get into "we, we, we".

115. I don't have anybody telling me what to do.

116. I can choose to indulge in my frustrations or I can choose to create a habit of happiness. It's not easy, but it's worth the fight.

117. There's a certain lack of gimmickry to what I do that makes people in England go: "Where's the thing?"

118. People thinking I'm hot is proof positive that a guitar is the ultimate airbrush.

119. I have the obsessiveness of someone who's a sober, recovering addict displacing his addiction. Except I never had the addiction.

120. I'm sort of a dreamer, a crazy dreamer. Everything is a fantasy to me.

121. When you're just open but not honest, then you start free-associating garbage.

122. Next time you want to call him, call me. I'll be you sponsor. Say "come on over" and I'll not make a mistake.

123. I believe in blues, and I believe that it's been misrepresented.

124. You're here because YOU made the decision, not because there was a consensus.

125. I like giving people something they don't want to miss the next time. It's a show with little twists and turns and curves. It has me being silly and stupid and compassionate and completely deep.


126. It's a Sunday night, a night never to be trusted for emotions.

127. I knew what I wanted to do when I was 13 and I had to go through four years of high school to get out. That's a blessing, because I never had to lay on my bed staring up at the ceiling going: "What am I going to do with my life?"

128. There are these incidental kinds of loopholes in my brain, where the wires can cross for a second and the hard drive crashes.

129. I need some kind of emotional stake in it to write my lyrics, assuming that place. It might just be an emotion I understand but am not currently experiencing necessarily.


130. I don't want to detach. I don't want to go live in a gated community.

131. I hope that what it comes down to at the end of the day is that people believe that I believe what I'm singing. It comes down to being believable. You don't have to be likeable; generally, though, I think I am.

132. My fear is that I go up to the girl of my dreams and say: "I'm sorry, but I've got to say hello to you," and she slides the stool back and gets up and walks away, saying: "Not for me, Bub. I don't want anything to do with you."

133. I'm getting to a point where everything is becoming streamlined in my life. I'm learning how to stand onstage for two hours and play in front of thousands of people as if I am completely in the moment every moment.

134. I feel my shows are like a late-night talk show that we settle down and do every night.

135. I'm willing to make compromises based on someone I think is the one, but I think it's psychologically important to people when they're famous to be the only famous person they know.





136. Maybe someday you can accuse somebody of being a poseur by selling out and playing blues music, but that's just not going to happen in my lifetime.

137. If you get half a million, at a certain stage you probably will get 4 million people, if they are able to hear it. The touring thing is unbelievable. It really is amazing from what we did the last tour even to what we are doing now.


138. I don't write songs in order to stick it to my exes. I don't release underground dis tracks.

139. There's no sure ticket to anything and why would you wanna trade in what you really wanna do for what the odds are in favor of?

140. If you told me I was going to live to 240, I would take 10 years off and try and act. I don't have that kind of time, so I'd much rather stick to playing guitar.



141. The biggest mistake I made and what cost me a lot of enjoyment in my life, was assuming that everybody cared. They don't.

142. I have these accidents, these mistakes, these self-inflicted wounds, and then I tear my head to shreds about it for days.



143. If you want to be free, you've got to go it alone. And if you want to go home, you've got to build your own.

144. The night I was recognized for "Daughters" at the Grammys was the night this record started. I knew I had bought the time to learn everything I needed before I started this one. "Continuum" is not a shot in the dark, it's not a guesstimation.

145. I don't care what the internet thinks about my hat!









146. I get recognized somewhere in between like local meteorologist and national meteorologist.


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