Woody Allen Quotes

1. I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.


2. I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

3. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

4. The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

5. Eighty percent of success is showing up.

6. I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

7. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

8. Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

9. Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

10. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.



11. Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.


12. Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

13. If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

14. I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

15. In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

16. As the poet said: "Only God can make a tree," probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

17. Some guy hit my fender, and I told him: "Be fruitful and multiply," but not in those words.

18. I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.




19. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

20. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

21. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

22. Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

23. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

24. Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

25. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

26. To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

27. Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

28. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

29. The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

30. Marriage is the death of hope.

31. What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

32. I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

33. Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.


34. Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.


35. If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

36. Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

37. I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said: "No."

38. I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

39. I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

40. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

41. I am two with nature.

42. Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

43. I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.







44. It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

45. Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

46. I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

47. He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

48. I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

49. His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

50. I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

51. Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

52. The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

53. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

54. If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

55. Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

56. Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

57. I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.


58. I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

59. In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

60. Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

61. When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

62. Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

63. Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

64. I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

65. My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

66. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.


67. It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

68. Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

69. In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

70. I don't have to "freedom-kiss" my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

71. I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

72. I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

73. Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.




74. As the poet said: "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

75. How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

76. How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

77. I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

78. I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

79. If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

80. Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

81. It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

82. The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

83. I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

84. In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!

85. The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

86. Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

87. It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

88. Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

89. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

90. To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

91. Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

92. Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

93. If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

94. I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

95. My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

96. I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

97. I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

98. I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

99. I can levitate birds. No one cares.

100. Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

101. I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

102. There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says: "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says: "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

103. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

104. More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

105. We're all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale, most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, Human happiness does not seem to be included in the design of creation. it is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even try to find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more

106. A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

107. I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

108. This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says: Well, why don’t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.

109. You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.

110. Chapter 1.
He adored New York City. He idolized it all out of proportion...no, make that: he - he romanticized it all out of proportion. Yes. To him, no matter what the season was, this was still a town that existed in black and white and pulsated to the great tunes of George Gershwin.'
Er, tsch, no, missed out something.

Chapter 1.
He was too romantic about Manhattan, as he was about everything else. He thrived on the hustle bustle of the crowds and the traffic. To him, New York meant beautiful women and street-smart guys who seemed to know all the angles…". No, no, corny, too corny for a man of my taste. Can we ... can we try and make it more profound?

Chapter 1.
He adored New York City. To him, it was a metaphor for the decay of contemporary culture. The same lack of individual integrity that caused so many people to take the easy way out was rapidly turning the town of his dreams in …"
No, that's a little bit too preachy. I mean, you know, let's face it, I want to sell some books here.

Chapter 1.
He adored New York City, although to him it was a metaphor for the decay of contemporary culture. How hard it was to exist in a society desensitized by drugs, loud music, television, crime, garbage…"
Too angry, I don't want to be angry.

Chapter 1.
He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat."
I love this.
New York was his town, and it always would be…"

111. The heart wants what it wants.

112. Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.

113. Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

114. Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

115. You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.


116. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

117. I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

118. Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

119. Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

120. I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

121. What if the worst is true? What if there's no God, and you only go around once, and that's it? Don't you want to be a part of the experience? You know, what the hell? It's not all a drag, and I'm thinking to myself: Geez! I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, after - who knows? Maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know that maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have.

122. Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?
It'll be a year come April 20th.
I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday.

123. The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

124. Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

125. Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

126. I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

127. Living is messy.

128. The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

129. He's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know a lot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something.

130. What the hell does it all mean anyhow? Nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nothing comes to anything. And yet, there's no shortage of idiots to babble. Not me. I have a vision. I'm discussing you. Your friends. Your coworkers. Your newspapers. The TV. Everybody's happy to talk. Full of misinformation. Morality, science, religion, politics, sports, love, your portfolio, your children, health. Christ, if I have to eat nine servings of fruits and vegetables a day to live, I don't wanna live. I hate goddamn fruits and vegetables. And your omega 3's, and the treadmill, and the cardiogram, and the mammogram, and the pelvic sonogram, and oh my god the-the-the colonoscopy, and with it all the day still comes where they put you in a box, and its on to the next generation of idiots, who'll also tell you all about life and define for you what's appropriate. My father committed suicide because the morning newspapers depressed him. And could you blame him? With the horror, and corruption, and ignorance, and poverty, and genocide, and AIDS, and global warming, and terrorism, and-and the family value morons, and the gun morons. "The horror," Kurtz said at the end of Heart of Darkness, "the horror." Lucky Kurtz didn't have the Times delivered in the jungle. Ugh... then he'd see some horror. But what do you do? You read about some massacre in Darfur or some school bus gets blown up, and you go "Oh my God, the horror," and then you turn the page and finish your eggs from the free range chickens. Because what can you do. It's overwhelming!

131. The wicked at heart probably know something.

132. All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

133. Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college.

134. It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?

135. I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

136. Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.

137. Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

138. Millions of books written on every conceivable subject by all these great minds and in the end, none of them knows anything more about the big questions of life than I do … I read Socrates. This guy knocked off little Greek boys. What the Hell’s he got to teach me? And Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we’re gonna live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. It’s not worth it. And Freud, another great pessimist. I was in analysis for years and nothing happened. My poor analyst got so frustrated, the guy finally put in a salad bar. Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.

139. All men fear death. It’s a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we haven’t loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same. However, when you make love with a truly great woman, one that deserves the utmost respect in this world and one that makes you feel truly powerful, that fear of death completely disappears. Because when you are sharing your body and heart with a great woman the world fades away. You two are the only ones in the entire universe. You conquer what most lesser men have never conquered before, you have conquered a great woman’s heart, the most vulnerable thing she can offer to another. Death no longer lingers in the mind. Fear no longer clouds your heart. Only passion for living, and for loving, become your sole reality. This is no easy task for it takes insurmountable courage. But remember this, for that moment when you are making love with a woman of true greatness you will feel immortal. I believe that love that is true and real creates a respite from death. All cowardice comes from not loving or not loving well, which is the same thing. And when the man who is brave and true looks death squarely in the face like some rhino hunters I know or Belmonte, who is truly brave, it is because they love with sufficient passion to push death out of their minds. Until it returns, as it does to all men. And then you must make really good love again. Think about it.

140. I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

141. You know what my philosophy of life is? That it’s important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.

142. We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...

143. Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.




144. Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.

145. The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

146. The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.

147. I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

148. This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?

149. You can't ride two horses with one behind.

150. Raised by two mothers...wow, most of us barely survive one.

151. My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.

152. Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.

153. In formulating any philosophy the first consideration must always be: What can we know? That is, what can we be sure we know, or sure that we know we knew it, if indeed it is at all knowable. Or have we simply forgotten it and are too embarrassed to say anything? Descartes hinted at the problem when he wrote: "My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly with my legs."

154. Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

155. I'm giving (my analyst) one more year - then I'm going to Lourdes.

156. Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.

157. Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it.

158. She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

159. While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.

160. Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe.It required bandaging.

161. It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

162. I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

163. I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.

164. If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

165. Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind.


166. I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.

167. The most beautiful words in the English language are not "I love you", but "It's benign".

168. Your still searching for me in every woman. You'll always seek to duplicate what we had. You know it.

169. I foresee death by culture shock.

170. But it was I, yes I, who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

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