Joan Rivers Quotes

1. Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.





2. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

3. I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.





4. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was "the man goes on top and the woman underneath." For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

5. I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

6. I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.



7. Never floss with a stranger. 




8. Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

9. People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

10. Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

11. I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said: "Get the hell off my property."

12. I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

13. It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

14. I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

15. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.


16. The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

17. My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

18. The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

19. A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

20. Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

21. Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say: "Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep."

22. I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

23. My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.



24. I am furious about everything. 


25. I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

26. Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

27. All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

28. There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

29. Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

30. Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.



31. Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.


32. Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

33. Every television show you go on is a choice.

34. I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.






35. I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.


36. I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

37. I hate reality shows that are not reality.


38. I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

39. I just love acting.

40. I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

41. I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.

42. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.


43. I was a Brownie Scout mother. 


44. I was not an attractive child.

45. I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

46. I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

47. I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

48. If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

49. Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

50. Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

51. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

52. My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.





53. Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.


54. She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

55. The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.






56. Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

57. What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

58. The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

59. Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

60. I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."



61. A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.

62. I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.







63. Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

64. Every woman in this room tonight: Think like a second wife. You grab and you take. You grab and you take. And when you die, whatever you got out of him you have buried on you. If the next bitch wants it, make her dig for it.

65. When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.




66. Gay marriage - I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

67. My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.


68. Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass!

69. My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

70. I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

71. The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.





72. She loves me so much, my daughter. She doesn't want me to be lonely; isn't that nice? She's trying to fix me up with Robert Blake.

73. I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: "You're not my wife!" Another guy DIED during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: "What would he tip?" Another guy said: "I want you to meet my family," and took me to the cemetery.

74. All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: "If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied." I said: "Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband."






75. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

76. (Commenting on the horrendous heat at the 58th annual Emmy Awards in Los Angeles, 2006) I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.



77. My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

78. A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

79. He who limps is still walking.

80. My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

81. No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.

82. Once you begin to believe there is help "out there," you will know it to be true.

83. "Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.

84. I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said: "Give me 300$ and I'll shit on your carpet."

85. I once dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn't count to twenty-one unless he was naked.


86. I said to my husband: "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" He said: "I
don't want to wake you up."

87. I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist calls me "sir".

88. Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. "My God, the floor's immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch."

89. Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.



90. Madonna is so hairy - when she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

91. I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write: "You are here". I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

92. I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs. He said: "Blue goes with everything."






93. I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

94. When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

95. - Come on, Joan, tell us which husband was the best lover?
- Yours.



96. The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.

97. I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark
the present.

98. Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in High Heels!




99. (On Sandra Bullock wearing Vera Wang at the Oscars) She told me this is the only contact she's had with a wang all year.


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