Steve Martin Jokes

1. Don't have sex, men. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

2. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

3. I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress.

4. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

5. I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.

6. I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

7. I gave my cat a bath the other day… they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, if was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…

8. Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

9. Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

10. I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

11. Love is a promise delivered already broken.

12. Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

13. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

14. An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

15. I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

16. I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was…an arctic wilderness.

17. Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

18. The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.

19. There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

20. When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves…well.

21. I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there's a game on.

22. It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

23. I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

24. Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.

25. Let us just say: I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it, because I was so happy all the time.

26. The greatest thing you can do is suprise yourself.

27. I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

28. All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

29. A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

30. Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naivete, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.

31. I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

32. I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.

33. If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.

34. You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.

35. The banjo is such a happy instrument. You can't play a sad song on the banjo, it always comes out so cheerful.

36. It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything any more if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

37. I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning…But never at dusk! Never at dusk, I would never do that.

38. You know, a lot of people come to me and they say: "Steve, how can you be so f... funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.

39. These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

40. Writers block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

41. You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

42. Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty. 

43. You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies. 

44. I saw the movie "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden.

45. What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be democrats…or skinny.

46. How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

47. There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they will talk back to you.

48. College totally changed my life. It changed what I believe and what I think about everything. I majored in philosophy. 

49. Thinking of taking up drugs. Does this mean I have to enter the Tour de France?

50. (on twitter) You, and 3,044,000 others, complete me.

51. The sunset spread itself across the sky like a stripper's legs at the 10 p.m. show.

52. I'll be coming out as gay to promote my next bluegrass album but will return to straight after tour is over.

53. Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It is something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

What do you think of Steve Martin's jokes?

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